Cold and Heartless

Home is where you can find the people whom you care for more than anything else. It's a place where love can be found. Despite the difficulty of life...just open the door and you'll find smiles, hugs, laughter, and tears...which make you forget about this cruel world for a while.

But sometimes...its the place that gives us scars so deep that we bring it our graves.

There's someone in my home who's been hurting me..had been..we've been ignoring each other for days now. Maybe it doesn't know how harsh its words were..i mean----all the words it uses--it just comes out of its mind uncontrollably..or maybe it does know--its just too selfish---too spoiled.
As for me, yes, I am reckless and stubborn at times... I'm human. When you just had enough of the things around---your chest explodes---which makes you do things that may hurt others. But I won't let myself act recklessly without thinking even just a little bit about the stupid thing I'll do/say . I never liked debate. My mind is always slow in thinking---I know if I blab without a script formed in my head..the words that would come out from my mouth would be nonsense, out of topic, or worse---- below the belt.
The day we had an argument..i was in the right mind----i really meant what i said, and I'm not regretful about it. The anger in me was about to fade that day...I thought it realized what i wanted to make it realize. I was wrong. It called me stupid----and asshole in one blow behind my back. (add "brainless" and "servant") It even told a few about what happened----hoping those people would take it's side. I don't care.
It's funny, it buys food to make me envious..chocolates, ice cream, etc. I didn't give in..and I won't give in. I'm too upset to think about those. I've not been touching the food it bought---even the ones before we argued. I wanna show it I can survive without it. I can live on my own...I just don't want to hurt Mom and Dad, 'coz I've had hurt them so much already.

Sorry Lord, I've sinned again, but my pride won't let me take the first step to end this argument. I just fear that this would hinder our plans for the family. It's okay if it won't care for me nor support me---let alone Mum and Dad. I'd be happy.

Stay focused!

Nah----Impossible but, i'll do my best. ^^
I've been a normal lady these past few days..how?

1. I deleted my social networking accounts except for twitter.
2. I changed my desktop wallpaper from Tohoshinki to Johnny Depp
3. seldom listen to the rising gods of the east's music----i stopped actually..but my brother plays their songs aloud so I can still hear them.
4. I cut off my phone-internet connection.
5. I use the PC to check and update twitter once a day only..----(hey that's an improvement XD)
6. I've been focusing on studying Japanese, Korean and French at the same time.
7. blah blah blah..etc.

I said these activities were normal 'coz i've been one of those netizens-----people living in the cyber world.
Of course, as you all know, since the year i've known TVXQ, my life had been revolving around them..Yes, they have inspired me a lot...I got so blinded that i didn't notice that loving them so much distracted me from fulfilling my dream---even distracted me from identifying what that dream was.

*JJANG*--the frog's awake..finally! Well, I didn't say it's their fault..It's MY fault. MINE.
Of course..if ever they'll hold a concert here..I'll definitely watch them..But for now..I have to stay focused..and find what I gotta do..what I should be in this lifetime; a chef..or a designer perhaps..
God guide me. *bows*
Anyway.. I have to clean my face before April ends..I have to look presentable or my sister and her friend may lose their faces for recommending me to their friend..of course, in my brain..the thought "what if he's the one?" floats for a week now. Shahahahha. ashhhh. Ja ne. (^○^)

Paranoia Kills

I wonder how's Japan at this very moment..I hope they are okay. STAND UP JAPAN!! ♥

I'm really amazed how advanced my mind works-----at the same time..i hate it.

When I think how things might turn up when i do this, that, those--I get to analyze the situation. the problem is..with all the possible things that can happen..my head hurts thinking---in the end, my judgment (toward people) is a FAILURE--. In our language we call it "tamang hinala". how can i get rid of this bad habit? ..i admit socializing is one of my weaknesses..Of course I have friends..the people who accepted me for who I am.. (thank you brothers and sisters..:P)

I can't pretend to be someone just to please somebody. Nobody likes to.. right? Or is it just me---afraid of telling how I feel to a person?..that he/she might dislike me..ahhh here it goes again. *HALT*

Anyway..I'm really happy tonight! Why?----they said there's a possibility that JYJ will come for concert! where?---HERE in our country!!!! *walksbackandforth*
I will definitely attend! I'll watch them from the VIP seats!!! OMG! *calms down*

While waiting for that moment..cassies from all over the world are preparing a project..(want to join us?---visit alwaysonetvxq.blogspot.com ) I need a camera for this..we also need Cassiopeias' particpation. I have a plan in mind..but i dunno where to start 'coz I don't know anyone from CassPH. argh..I'm thinking it will be better if we have more participants. ahh..i wish I have more time.

The Agony

It's been more than 24 hours since the tragedy happened.

March 11, 2011
(2:15pm)
I was at the pantry..with my locker wide open----the first thing I do every time I open my locker is check twitter.
The first tweet I saw was Ms. Marie Digby's saying that she can still feel the shaking of the building where they were staying. When I looked at the time----she tweeted it an hour ago. I was not sure if who's tweet I read----saying that there's a possibility that a tsunami would hit Japan. In my mind, I was still at ease----"maybe it's one of the usual small quakes they always experience""Maybe I just misread about the tsunami.." I thought.
I sat on a chair and ate the packed lunch (onigiri) my brother made for me. I was really happy that time..Even though the day's just starting, I felt great.

After an hour, I went back to work..And because I was in the mood..Assisting people was not like a "job" for me..more like socializing.
Then, I went in the stockroom for a transaction..Our cashier just told me.."your favorite country was hit by earthquake and tsunami." _______________long silence_____________
"No, they said there's a possibility that it would get hit." I said.
"It happened already!  I think it's Miyagi-----Sendai"

I dunno----that moment..my chest felt heavy, and my eyes were teary. I don't have relatives there..but I have a few Japanese friends---I won't deny that I did think of my idols' safety too. My mind was shouting GOD, PLEASE KEEP THEM SAFE! DON'T LET ANY SOUL BE HARMED.
I'm not Japanese but I feel like I'm one of them. I love my own country as much as I love Japan. I admit that I feel like Japan's my home. I LOVE JAPAN. the land, the people, the art and culture, the music. EVERYTHING.
Seeing them suffer hurts me.

I went out the shop so I can send messages to my friends..I told them to email back if they are okay..what's their situation, etc. I wanted to know if they are fine..Thank God they were. I couldn't sleep last night thinking how they were at that moment. if they are safe. Were they warm enough to sleep..the food.argh..
I read Marie's and Yuu's tweet that they were fine..to pray for the others, cheering their countrymen that they would make it
..and then JJ tweeted too..(what a relief!) He said that Junsu returned to Korea safely..which means he's been in Korea all the while.. that they were praying for Japan too..
My friends mailed back saying they were okay..as well as their family and friends..
Thorns were slowly plucked out of my chest..knowing the people you care for are safe..
I was freaking out the whole day as if my family was there. to me they are..even if they don't feel the same..I don't care.

Until now..I'm still wondering how they are..not just my friends..but ALL of them. Let's pray everything will be alright.


雨ふるときには、君のかさになろう、風ふくときには君の壁意なろう。。どんなにやみのふかい夜でも。。必ず明日は来るから。君だけに伝えたいよ。。必ず明日は来るから。

みんな。。気をつけて元気だ！

TVXQ is back!

I know it's a little too late for me to post this..but..YES OUR BOYS ARE BACK! They have always been here..for us..Although TVXQ 'now' are our 2 boys Yunho and Changmin... Junsu, Yuchun and Jejung are having their success too-----JYJ. I don't care if they are divided in two----i know deep inside their hearts and souls----THEY ARE ONE! praying for everyone's success and safety. ♥

During these times, our role as Cassiopeias is to support them all the way. Those 5 boys are the ones who needed our love and support-----they are the ones who are hurt the most. With all the rumors around..wanting them to part ways..WE SHOULD STRENGHTEN their fragile hearts. WE SHOULD NEVER BE DIVIDED. We are Cassiopeias------Tohoshinki's brightest constellation----TVXQ's guiding stars----DBSK's strenght and weakness. If we lose hope, they will become weak; If we keep our faith in them-----NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO HURT TVXQ. THEY WILL BE STRONGER THAN EVER. SO PLEASE CASSIOPEIAS ALL OVER THE WORLD. DON'T LOSE FAITH. KEEP BELIEVING!

Anyway, this is TVXQ's newest song "Why (Keep your Head Down)"
--lyric translation.

Keep your head down U-Know time (Max)

You know what time it is?

This is return of the king

(modu kkeutnabeoryeotda) nan sijakdo an haebwanneunde

(heeojyeo beoryeotda) nan iyujocha mot deutgo

jubyeon saramdeul modu hanagachi nalbogo

neo wae geurae wae geurae wae geurae nan imi nappeun nom

(joeramyeon) neol saranghan ge joeramyeon

(geuge joeramyeon) jinsilhaetdaneun ge joeramyeon

(naneun Keep it low naneun Keep it low)

nan chamanaego nae jaril jikyeo

(Keep your head down)

neon jeongmal yeppeujiman neomu dareun neoui sogi nan neomu duryeowo

(Keep your head down)

saranghaetda hajiman nan ije neol noketda

(wae?) nal geureoke swipge tteonanni

(wae?) naega swiwo boyeotdeon geoni

(wae?) nae gaseumeun jjijeojijanha (wae?)

(wae?) modu hansunganui kkumieotdamyeon

(wae?) barojabeul sigani isseotdamyeon

(wae?) jebal nega haengbokhagil baraetda (wae?)

na eonjena eonjena neoreul gajin geollo chungbunhaetgo

sesangi mworaedo gateun kkumeul kkwoseo haengbokhaetgo

jigeumeun neol bonaege dwaetjiman eochapi nae gireul gal ppunigo

(Now I’m just chillin’, Feel like I’m healing)

(neujeobeoryeotda) neon dasi doragal su eopdanda

(nega eopdamyeon) nan muneojil geora mitgetji

yejeonbuteo neon geugeon chakgagirago

naega wae geurae wae geurae wae geurae neol tailleotjanha

Hey nan jeongmal, jeongmal seulpeotda cheori eopdeon nega

hoksirado nappeun saram mannalkka Why? baby

(Keep your head down)

neon jeongmal yeppeo geunde geuppuniya ne gaseume jungyohan ge eomneungeol

(Keep your head down)

sarangui apeumeul chamneun gaseume mot bakgo

(wae?) nal geureoke swipge tteonanni

(wae?) naega swiwo boyeotdeon geoni

(wae?) nae gaseumeun jjijeojijanha (wae?)

(wae?) modu hansunganui kkumieotdamyeon

(wae?) barojabeul sigani isseotdamyeon

(wae?) jebal nega haengbokhagil baraetda (wae?)

ha, geureoke neo saram gatgo jangnan, jangnan chiji mara

nae apeseon yoraejorae geojitmalmaneul neureonoko

nuga bwado nuga bwado neon jeongmal ijungjeogiya

(waewaewae) sujeong gatdeon maeumdeuri eonje geureoke takhaejyeonni

sarangeul kkeutnaetda neol bonaen gaseum i teong biwojyeotda

hajiman nae miraeneun machi ireonaseo useurago sonjitanda

neoreul bonaenda jeongmal haengbokhage sara (waewaewae)

meon hutnare meon hutnare geunyang pyeonhage utgo sipda haha

(wae?) wae (wae?)

(wae?) sarangeul geureoke swipge nwabeorineun neoreul

(wae?) nugunga geokjeonghal georan saenggageun haebwanna

(wae?) nega nwa beorin ge neoneun mwonji

(wae?) ajik moreuneun geot gata

(wae?) geudaero meomulleo nareul jikyeobwa (wae?) Yeah-

(Keep your head down)

jiwojyeotda, sarajyeotda nae gaseume nega jugeo modu tabeoryeotda

(Keep your head down)

jiwojyeotda, sarajyeotda nae gaseume nega jugeo neoneun ije eopda

-----------------------------------------

Keep your head down U-Know time (Max)

You know what time it is?

This is return of the king

(Everything has ended) I didn’t even start yet

(We broke up) I haven’t even heard the reason yet

Everyone around me keeps asking me why I’m like this

Why are you like that, why are you like that? I’m already the bad guy

(If it’s a sin) If loving you was a sin

(If that was a shin) If being genuine is a sin

(I’ll keep it low, I’ll keep it low) I’ll hold it in and stand my ground

(Keep your head down)

You look pretty, but inside you’re so different, that’s what I’m afraid of

(Keep your head down)

I said I loved you but I’ll let you go

(Why?) Did you leave me so easily

(Why?) Did I look easy to you?

(Why?) My heart is ripping to shreds

(Why?) If every moment was a dream

(Why?) If only I had the time to set it right

(Why?) I prayed for your happiness

I was always satisfied with having you

I was happy to dream the same dream as you no matter what they said

I had to let you go, but I’m just walking my path anyway

Now I’m just chillin’, Feel like I’m healing

It’s too late, you said you can’t come back

You’ve always believed that I’d crumble without you

That’s a misunderstanding, why would I do that? why, why, I told you I wouldn’t

(Hey) I was really, really sad, because you were so immature

and I was afraid you’d meet someone bad (Why? baby)

(Keep your head down)

You’re really pretty, but that’s all there is to you, there’s nothing important inside of you

(Keep your head down)

A nail is driven into the heart that is holding in the pain of love

Ha~ Don’t play with people like that

In front of me, all you do is speak of lies

You’re such a two-faced person

(Why why why) Since when did our crystal-like feelings become so opaque?

Our love has ended, I’ve let you go, and now my heart is empty

But my future is gesturing towards me to get up and smile

I’m letting you go, live happily (why why why)

One day far from now, far from now, I want to just smile comfortable

(Why?) Why

(Why?) You let go of our love so easily

(Why?) Did you ever think that someone would get worried?

(Why?) I don’t think you know yet

(Why?) Exactly just what you let go of

(Why?) Just remain there and watch me grow

(Keep your head down)

Erased, disappeared, you’ve burned to death in my heart

(Keep your head down)

Erased, disappeared, you’ve died in my heart and you no longer exist

______________________________

LET'S SUPPORT THE 5 OF THEM! ♥ FIGHT-O!

Kpop Nation 2010

I'm home!-----yes, just like what the title says..the Philippine Kpop Nation 2010!!!! ahhh what can I say..LOL
I bought my first ever DBSK shirt from there..---Sorry I wasn't able to take a pic of it 'coz I washed it right away...(i'm going to wear it on New Year's Eve! ahahaha). I also got my first lanyard. My cousin "Reyna" was with me----LOL.

What made me thrice happy was the moment I felt like I was watching Tohoshinki's concert. There was this group who danced the first stanza and chorus of "mirotic". Honestly, when that group went up on the stage..I thought they were gonna perform 2pm or SS501's song..but then ..♫chug chug chug chug~~urghhh♫..IT'S MIROTIC!!! *dies* My heart just pumped thrice faster..it sounds insane, but my hands  and my voice were shaking..
During Tohoshinki/DBSK/TVXQ's concert, whenever they perform 'mirotic'..Cassiopeia would respond and yell. I was super shocked when the Filipino Cassies were yelling and singing along. Of course I took part in it too.

 ♫ non nareul wonhae WONHAE!
non naege ppajyo PPAJYO!
non naege mijyo MIJYO!
heonal su opso
I got you under my skin  ♫


Although it's not Tohoshinki performing..I felt sooooooo happy..what more if it's really them----OMG. I think it'd be more than shaking!! -----but the last thing I'd do is to faint. ahahahahahaha!! I will never miss such an opportunity to witness their greatness. ahhhh Tohoshinki----what have you done to me??!!
 Unfortunately..I wasn't able to watch 13 Seouls perform.----it's the mini SuJu group which KyBi supports..In the end, they were the Rookie of the Year!!!! ----Congratulations guys!!!

Mom was with us when we ate lunch..we ate lots..*pig mode*

Oh I forgot to mention..I was looking for JYJ/Tohoshinki huge banners or standee or whatever...sadly, Junsu's the only one who had a standee..
he's super handsome!! and he looked real!

That's all for today folks..I have studying to do..ahahahahaha ^^
I'll definitely attend another kpop gathering..ESPECIALLY the 8G of Cassiopeias!!! ♥

Junkie

*scratches head*----urgh dandruff..LOL but yeah..I do have dandruff these past two months..(stressXstress).

I was actually thinking of a nice title for my post today, the word 'junkie' just popped in my head seconds ago. Why?----I've been a Junk food kid lately..

Hours ago, I ate Pringles and Yanyan  for lunch..yesterday I drank Zagu, and ate Nova chips.
The other day, I ate Jolly fries with grande Zagu..Ahhh..Junkie!
I used to buy lots of 'em and store it inside my locker.
Now...ahahahaha i don't have the budget to buy more than what i need a day. "New Year's celebration" reasons..
It's better to share what you've earned than to buy food for yourself alone right?

Anyway, the Yanyan I bought was a very interesting food..every stick has facts written on it. Like what I got.."frog-------amphibian"...I was really happy it's the first stick I picked..(wahahaha I'm a frog indeed lol).
The others were "Cat---say meow", "Horse-----gallop away", and "Giraffe-----tallest animal"....it will surely educate children while enjoying the food. ^^-----
why am was i eating it?--i miss being a kid. And a big part of my childhood is my Grandpa, the games and playmates, the children's parties,.etc. *sigh*
Time for dinner...YAY, tomorrow's another day off!---------study time! ^^ I hope I can have a conversation (english and nihonggo) with Sara on New Year's eve if ever she'll come again to celebrate with us. ^^